Accepted Point of Misery.

Are we there yet?

Last person to leave please turn out the lights.

Housekeeping: mature language and yes I am ok.

I never write when I am upset.

I shouldn’t be writing now.

I can’t take credit for the title of today’s post, it came from a conversation I had and I will reveal all soon regarding that, but for now… I thought ‘what a brilliant line’ I hope you know who you are!

It should have been a really good day, but it turned out to be something quite different.

Today I thought - why the hell am I doing this? You know, trying to raise awareness of head and neck cancer and the long suffering we all live with day in and day out. As you know, I focus on the food side and the other ‘issues’ tend to take a back seat.

The lack of awareness, the childish “this is my patch” mentality and I am not sharing my lunch let alone my lecture notes with you.

Today, the first time in 6 years I thought, enough.

I’m done.

I feel as though I am battling this alone, I feel like no one’s in my corner, no one actually cares and I keep opening myself up for more relived trauma. Punch after emotional punch.

Someone said to me today “oh wow, you went through this treatment on your own” - I didn't think much of it, I mean it’s not like I had a choice - I just had to get on with it and carve my place back into life.

It is only now I feel the isolation and loneliness of that process. No one other than those who have been through it can truly appreciate the lows.

Today’s low in the glittering sunshine, tinnitus caused by Cisplatin and the inability to swallow anything and realising I have been living on hot milk and sugar for over a week.

Seriously, fuck it. I am so bloody tired and nothing, not even drugs can move the dial in either direction.

I forget sometimes, the trauma, the actual fact I had cancer and I came out the other side. Does this play on your mind for this long? I have no comparison .

I was reminded today this cancer has the highest suicide rate of any cancer in the world.

It (once again) became blindingly obvious as to why this is.

This is not a cry for help, but I had to say something.

It’s not all hearts and roses here all the time. I really am ok and nothing a 6 week hike into Jordan/Petra wouldn’t fix.

Somedays just suck, and I, unfortunately have had a few of them strung together.

I am not superwoman.

I am not indestructible and I do not have the bandwidth at present to deal with morons, narcissists, anyone who takes without giving, judgemental fools, and people who speak without respect to their partners, or me for that matter.

I check that I am not being overly sensitive (I probably am) but I feel that rawness so easily these days, it’s not filtered and I know how fragile this life can be.

They are just thoughts but oh wow they skittled me today. I always do the “sleep test” but I am day 3 of “sleep test” and decided I have to pivot again.

I am going to take myself off for a few days break where the stars shine brightly and the air strokes my cheek. Where the biggest challenge is remembering how to pitch my tent, try my sleep pad for the first time and celebrate my best friend’s mother turning 99.

Legend!

This is your reminder to put yourself first, I have been negligent in heeding my own advice.

Catch you on the other side.

Eat Well.

Yvonne