Because chewing is overrated:

Navigating cafe menus with cancer treatment side effects.

may I take your order?

GAG Cafe - One wrong move and you are in emergency.

But please, pull up a seat, let’s begin by taking your order.

Server: What would you like to drink?

Me: My eyes flick fleetingly to the alcohol, “Uhm nothing, thanks - oh, just water “

Server: Still, sparkling or Sydney fresh? (that’s a fancy name for tap water, we sure as hell don’t call it that here in my home town …Adelaide fresh, pffft)

Me: Sparkling please, (thinks to herself San Pellegrino if you have it, that soft slow bubble is amazing to swallow and it cuts through the frog spawn and provides the perfect pairing with what ever it is I am about to try and order and eat)

Server: Ok great, here’s a menu and I’ll be back in a jiffy. ( English slang from the 1700’s meaning short amount of time)

Me: “okey dokey let’s do this”… I say to my girlfriends who are busying themselves with updates on life, work and the latest idiotic thing they have endured.

I pay careful attention and spend some time studying the food offering.

Often I am ravenous and I can’t eat whilst really hungry in public, it’s messy and socially awkward. So I scan the children’s menu - for the love of all things small, why do they insist that children only want tiny spaghetti bolognese or chips (fries) and chicken nuggets with a sachet of red sugar (tomato sauce)?

Moving on - scanning for anything with puree, avocado, cream, eggs, salmon, fish side serve of hot broth or soup (hmm right - not in my life time, unless you happen to be in Saigon) .. sigh.

Here’s the normal cafe offering.

Rolls, sandwiches, pizzas, burgers, pile high chips, salad - healthier options include the following:

Peppery rocket, lettuce, grated carrot, grated raw beetroot, onion, dukkah, hidden dressings that contain some fundamental ingredient that will set my ORN off, my throat off or my mouth off - literally.

Server: “You ready to order? “

Me: Do you have any soup? - knowing the answer before the pen hits the chit.

Server: No (we move on)

Server: Yes (occasionally)

Me: What is it?

Server: Cream of Pumpkin

Me: (thinks to self - why is it on this entire planet we have the capacity and foresight to make only cream of pumpkin soup in every cafe and restaurant I frequent?)

Ok - can I have that and do you have garlic bread or better yet, may I get a serve of toast?

Server: Hmm not sure - I can ask.

Me: It’s bread that’s been toasted yes? no grain, no desiccated coconut, no crusty over the top thrice kneaded 3 seed gourmet overly priced staple, just a piece of bread toasted.

I eyeball my server, and say in a quiet voice, “I have had head and neck cancer, the treatment of which has left me severely lacking in the swallow department, and of late the personality department too.

I’d really appreciate it if I could either access the children’s menu (not in this case) or ask whomever is out in the kitchen to provide sauce on the side and double the amount normally offered, s’il vous plait ?

Also whilst we are at it, make sure please that the eggs are runny.

Yes I need more cream than that thimble you have provided, no I don’t just need soft mushy food, and don’t (I know you are trying to be kind and helpful) start suggesting the type of food I can eat.

Unless you are a dysphagia expert (and this is unlikely unless I happen to be dining with an 89 year old in aged care) or you are a fellow HNC patient - you have no clue.

Really you don’t, soft mushy food items can often feel like paper mache and there’s not enough San Pellegrino on this earth to move a cheese wrap and smashed avocado down my gullet.

Server: Scurries away with renewed vigour and confident they can find or create something to suit me using the ingredients I have listed or selected.

Here’s a Menu from GAG. Cafe - should I ever venture to open one.

Soup

Broth, scotch broth, Garlic soup, lemongrass coconut milk, tomato (homemade) country vegetable with pearl barley, anything cooked with bones in a pressure cooker, French onion soup (traditional) with slabs of bread drunkenly floating laden with gooey Gruyere, stock broth and more broth. Snipped garlic chives just to keep me on my toes. French Lentil Puy only for soups - the skin is manageable but of course the most expensive lentil to buy.

Cream of Asparagus with parmesan and lemon zest - personal favourite.

Curry soup made with a madras curry paste is ok - not too little and not too much Goldilocks.

Main Meals

Seafood risotto made from scratch, creamy & fresh from the sea prawns, covered in Parmigiano Reggiano.

Tacos - the hard variety with plenty of vine ripened salsa, avocado and sour cream, filled with pork mince cooked in Burrito seasoning mix.

Slow cooked (insert food of choice) in my case and recently in Spain chicken/ pork/ pig trotters/ knuckles. Fall apart food with loads of flavour and sourdough bread to drag it all down.

My food menu has become more varied and more exploratory of late.

My patience level and filter has not.

Eat Well.