My lowest point.
This cancer has one of the highest suicide rates in the world.
Housekeeping: By the time you are reading this I will have just completed my Camino Frances, whilst I was away I opened up some of my more popular posts and this was one of them.
I deliberated about reposting this but someone else may benefit from the hope.
The hope of time and that things do get better.
Beun Camino
The night I wrote this was when I knew I had physically hit rock bottom. I was struggling mentally, physically and it was all I could do to make it through the days.
I was single & living alone, and well, frankly it could have got really bad.
I have always written as a way to make sense and to draw myself out of situations to see them for what they really are. If you are in any doubt about my journey I felt it was time to tell you that although by nature I am a positive, driven person who seemingly has it together, I too was hit with the “treatment bat” and it hurt.
I know some of you are mid treatment and in many ways that’s why I am sharing this.
This type of cancer has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. This is an interesting article on Dr. Nosayaba Osazuwa-Peters
Is it any wonder.
Treatment for me included the following;
Neck dissection - Removal of 30 Lymph nodes (keeps on giving)
A tumour - walnut size - removed (thankful)
Both tonsils - removed (inevitable)
1/3rd of my base of tongue - removed (I miss it a lot)
30 # something chemo radiotherapy sessions (brutal)
PEG Tube placed in abdomen (Painful and psychologically excruciating)
No eating by mouth for 18 months (see above)
Intensive care (a long bloody time)
I wrote this on the 14th September 2021 – 18 months after treatment had ceased.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of fighting to survive, fighting and struggling to eat, converse, swallow.
No joy. Emptiness.
Walking this journey alone has taken everything I had. It’s depleted my mind, my body, and my soul.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of struggling, I’m tired of sadness, worry and what happens next.
No joy. Emptiness.
Nothing to look forward to, it’s a very short road to the future.
I’m lonely. I can’t converse, I can’t explain, and the pain is immense.
I’m tired.
Sleep when it comes, is temporary relief from this relentless suffering.
Dwindling reserves financially & emotionally.
Alone, I can’t eat, the tears keep coming and coming. I don’t belong anymore, no desire to participate.
No Joy. Emptiness.
I’m tired.
So utterly, utterly tired.
If you need help this listing is some resources world wide