Why Stoic Training Might be The Answer to Social Eating.
Food confidence following head and neck cancer treatment.
Housekeeping:
I am a person who thinks deeply and applies what I learn to my personal situation. If this helps you to apply some new way of thinking and subsequent action then I am glad.
My greatest wish is to help pave a way out (for all of us) of this hell hole that is the side effects of head and neck cancer treatment.
Welcome - now let’s have a quick coffee with Marcus Aurelius.
Let’s face it, as we age you get to recognise life lessons and which battles to undertake and which to smile and walk away from. Such happened to me recently and it happened without my conscious thinking of it, I just found myself standing in a large empty carpark (metaphorically speaking) looking for my car.
I had in my hand a set of car keys complete with handcrafted cat dangle purchased on a recent trip to Spain - but no car. None to see within cooee of my line of vision. So I just started walking in the direction that “felt” right.
I wasn’t sure where I was heading, I had no control over the external factors that were going to decide whether I had a good or bad day. I just walked, not knowing much about anything.
What gives a person that fearless edge, that ability to just try and see where it takes you?
I have lived a life I consider quite different to other women of my age, although I note my collection of close friends are a reflection of my life choices and in that, they offer a good sounding board when making life decisions.
I have now hiked 3 Camino’s and done them all solo. It’s arguable whether my diagnosis or treatment was the catalyst for this, I suspect both to some degree, but the preferable kick in the pants has led to a much more remarkable life for me.
I was hiking locally the other day when I realised something about myself.
I often and had done since my mid twenties, thought through step by step the worst case scenario if a particular thing happened or I undertook doing something and felt each emotion that arose with that thinking.
Point in case the passing of my parents, I prepared myself for this inevitable event by feeling the emotion of it as if it had actually happened. It served me well, when the time actually came.
Psychological training - you do it to strengthen your own Psyche not to brag, but to be able to say to yourself well I did that (insert challenge you never thought you could do) what else can I do?
This is exactly what I did with social eating - Stoic Training.
“Awareness is upstream from thinking” - James Clear
Stoic training can be a valuable approach to overcoming challenges, I didn’t really give it the thought it deserved, what I did do was fuss about snacks on planes, and how do I fit everything in to my carry on, you know, in case I starve to death on my international flight to Europe.
Here’s what was rolling around in my head as I systematically packed my 8kg backpack. What if I couldn’t find anything to eat, what If I starved, how would I cope, what would happen to me, who would care, who would help.
How would I continue, what if any food would I have access to? What if I looked stupid, what if I gagged on something and died by suffocation in a remote goat village in Portugal.
How am I ever going to manage the language barrier and explain what I need, explain why and how everything has to be just so?
Good grief, I could have just saved myself the drama and stayed home.
But I didn’t.
I shoved my “desiccated coconut free” protein bars in my bag and off I went.
I learnt “resilience” from my mother, a brilliant artist who seemed to have a knack of being “kind” before it was recognised as being a thing, she just got people and they loved her.
The Stoic philosophy focuses on cultivating mental resilience, self-control, and acceptance of external circumstances. This can be particularly beneficial when dealing with the physical, emotional, and social hurdles faced after treatment.
“Stoicism’s principles are designed to help individuals cultivate resilience, maintain emotional balance, and live with purpose.”
Here are six main points from Stoic training that could help:
1. Control What You Can, Accept What You Can't
Stoicism emphasises focusing on things within our control and accepting those that are outside it. After cancer treatment, many aspects of eating may feel beyond control—such as physical changes, taste, or difficulty swallowing. By practicing this Stoic principle, you can accept the challenges you face and take pride in the actions you can control (like food choices, pacing, or mindset during social eating situations).
Care givers please note: In your effort to be kind and helpful don’t take away the one thing that is only thing we as patients have some control over - what we put in our bodies. I was able to stay connected to food through gardening (growing herbs) and preparing food (even if I didn’t eat it at the beginning)
2. Practice Gratitude for What Remains
A major aspect of Stoic philosophy is practicing gratitude for the things that remain, even in times of adversity. Post-treatment, you may focus on the physical and emotional limitations you face. However, by practicing gratitude for your ability to eat anything orally, to participate in social settings, or simply for being alive, you can develop a positive outlook and greater resilience in social eating scenarios. I for example still had my voice (albeit changed and I had my sense of humour largely intact too!)
3. Food Confidence and Self-Reliance
Food confidence is crucial, and Stoic principles can help boost this. Stoics encourage self-reliance and the cultivation of inner strength. By developing the confidence to handle eating challenges on your own terms, you can take pride in your ability to engage with food despite any obstacles you may face. For example, walking the Camino de Santiago, like I did, served as a reminder of my ability to overcome challenges and to trust in my own resilience. I had lost all food confidence and was not aware I had until I put myself in a “challenging food” situation.
4. Embrace Impermanence and Avoid Perfectionism
Stoicism teaches us that all things are temporary, including discomfort and struggles. Post-cancer treatment, the urge to regain normality and perfection might create anxiety or frustration. However, by embracing imperfection and understanding that setbacks and social awkwardness in eating are part of the journey, you can reduce stress and focus on gradual improvement. I now know that improvement can come in many guises, one day I can next day I can’t, and that’s ok - I know that and I audibly say to myself when failure looms, “it’s ok Yvonne, today’s a smoothie day, not a chicken curry day”.
5. Mindful Presence in Social Situations
Stoic training involves being present in the moment and accepting whatever arises with equanimity. In social eating situations, this translates into not overly worrying about how others perceive you while eating, or feeling overwhelmed by your treatment's impact on eating. Being mindful of the moment, instead of future anxieties or past regrets, can help you engage more comfortably in social dining experiences. I also find that by telling my eating companions not to expect too much in the way of conversation and the difficulties I encounter whilst eating is helpful in taking the pressure & focus off me and on to the ‘table’ conversation.
6. Develop Compassion and Avoid Self-Judgment
A key Stoic principle is to treat yourself and others with compassion. After undergoing treatment, it's easy to feel self-conscious about eating in social settings. By applying Stoic thinking, you can practice self-compassion and avoid harsh self-judgment, focusing instead on understanding that everyone has their own struggles, and the key is to do your best with the situation at hand.
Incorporating Stoic principles into social eating after head and neck cancer treatment offers a mindset shift that encourages confidence, acceptance, and resilience in the face of challenging circumstances. Through these practices, you can foster greater self-control, reduce social anxiety, and find peace with your new reality.
Eat Well
Eat Cook Love Food: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Life After Head and Neck Cancer