For the love of all things spicy.

Know thy Christmas target market.

Eat snacks often they say - high protein trail mix they suggest, who are these snack advisers ?

I still, very occasionally, get gifts from unsuspecting givers.

Two such items arrived this past week via a flustered delivery driver.

I know both givers, one quite well the other I have spoken only via the telephone and only ever on a professional footing. The trouble I face is I look as though not much has happened to me, although if you peer closely you can see the tell tale signs of radiotherapy, the neck dissection, that ever so slightly drawn look only head and neck cancer patients have, that sort of landed fish look.

Crooked teeth (my once prized possession unbanded) so unless you listen oh so carefully to my speech, or happen to be in the sneeze zone of sharing a meal, you’d likely not know what I have been through.

So you can forgive the uninitiated when they send you a full box of Charlesworth mixed nuts as a Christmas thank you gift.

I know, I know it’s the thought that counts, but I am (and say this with hand on heart) really surprised anyone gifts food of any description in this day and age when every second person seems to have allergies to gluten, peanuts, avocado, fruit, vegetables, Mariah Carey you name it.

Don’t get me started on school canteens and the fact that one is allergic to peanuts we all are allergic to peanuts rhetoric.

I think the giving of food to anyone in the head and neck space is a very bold move.

I recall back when I was still navigating my PEG and trying to work out how to actually eat real food when someone (who absolutely should have known better) presented me with a bottle of sweet dessert sauce. My guess in their thinking was “it’s a sauce” “it has no bits” - “it’s … add in the reasoning and the seasoning”.

I opened it with trepidation and sure enough, whatever was in it made my sinuses swell up and burn my mouth and throat to within an inch of its life. That bottle stayed open in my fridge for the next 18 months and only then I could manage to consume it.

Anything that lasts that long (I don’t do expiration dates - Brie, Camembert, Mariah Carey point in case, are always better after their due date) I am always dubious about, but when you can’t eat or swallow a thing you tend to ignore the obvious red flags.

Here’s a list of what I think is pretty safe in the head and neck cancer gift giving space.

• A cotton Japanese Handkerchief (male or female) those things are big beautiful and soft and make excellent stylish wipes.

• Vitamin E Laden moisturiser / cream with aloe vera - I use Tri -Natural Products

• An enriched lip moisturiser with SPF 50 - great for those small spots in the corner of your mouth (angular cheilitis)

• A Spotify / Audible audio subscription

• A meditation app like - WAKE UP/Head Space

• Scented Candle

• A linen tea towel - a nice one that grown ups have

• Buff (head cover - for sensitive ears)

• An experience - insert zoo / museum / game to attend / race track / lap around a circuit

• A travel gift card (that might be a me thing 😉)

• Warm gloves (again male / female)

• A tray of mangoes if you feel the need to do food or insert “avocado “ pending the point above

• A good water bottle or drinking vessel with the correct opening for drinking

Anyway you get my drift. A quick list off the top of my head to get you thinking.

I arrived home after 6 weeks walking to two very fat cats, but otherwise a very dishevelled house. My favourite Japanese lacquered spoon (gone), my Nutrifleur toothpaste (all used), pots, pans and lids just shoved wherever and not in sets. Mouldy towels, unwashed dishes, a dead garden - shall I go on? Still, the cats were happy.

The one thing that they did leave for me was a huge (and likely very expensive) food hamper, the contents of which I could not eat… none of it - I could just manage the Pukka caffeine free tea bags. It contained the following items :-

• Bag of mixed nuts - No

• Tin of Cadbury Favourites (Chocolates for my non Aussie readers) - No

  ( FYI - cheap chocolate burns like the all get out and is in no way pleasant to consume) if you are a Chocolate person I do eat dark Haighs at 70% cocoa but that’s taken me years to get to that point and even then it is hit and miss.

• Some slab of indescribable salted Caramel Rocky Road - No

• Chocolate dipped Almonds - Double No

• Trail Mix - for the love of all things spicy - No

I would have prefered they put the money toward a house cleaner, there you go, what an idea, maybe a gift certificate of a clean house.

My point is - know thy market, dont think because its soft, runny, smooth it will work - it likely won’t unless you know the person really really well.

Because a gift received that completely alienates you as a human is not fulfilling its intended purpose. You can forgive those that simply don’t know, but when something is explained in agonising detail and still ignored, you have to question the sincerity of the trail mix.

Eat Well.

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